Unheard Voices: Empathy, Acceptance and the Infinite possibilities of Autistic Individuals
Faith Jacobs
When the word Autism comes to one’s mind, what do you think of?
Do you think of the stereotypes that have been invasive and are still invasive in hollywood? Do you think someone with autism has a certain look to them? Or are you unfamiliar?
In that case, allow me to begin by kindly inviting you to step into our shoes, through the eyes of empathy and most importantly, acceptance.
I would like to invite you into my shoes and to start, let’s purge the thought that Autism is something of a tragic diagnosis as portrayed by horrific organizations out there that try to paint a picture of a person who will never be successful.
I balk at this because here I am, a self made young autistic woman who is a successful creator in her own right and I could list all I’ve ever done, though we’d be here all day if I rambled! I must say, however, that I am not a tragedy, my future is unlimited, and I am capable. Autism does not define me and is no oh poor pity me party. Its label is not tragic and It was not for me when I received my diagnosis some years ago. I refute such things.
On that note, If we wish to talk about acceptance we need to begin with us, the autistics, and self acceptance.
To preface, self acceptance of your own place on the autism spectrum will look vastly different than say, mine. Perhaps Jane over here in this corner, was diagnosed late and she experiences grief. That is her experience with an autistic diagnosis and her acceptance of herself may come later through the proper support she needs. Whereas mine was instant acceptance, and would you believe I was quite happy when I learned I was autistic? I was. It’s unheard of, I suppose, but I was.
I accepted myself right away, because I realized nothing had changed about me. I didn’t change, I was simply me, how great is that!
Why be sad, I thought, when I knew all my life that I had never been typical; I had no word for why I wasn’t typical but I had a feeling I was different. And with that, there was no reason to say oh woe is me, in my case. I thrived in my quirks before the diagnosis, and I haven’t stopped since getting it. The downside, however, to acceptance of autism, is that those around me were not so keen to see the beauties of what a late diagnosis means. They weren’t so enthusiastic to understanding how this diagnosis, Autism, led to more self acceptance than self loathing.
The whole self loathing and fear only came in when I realized the people around me began to treat me differently because of the label, not because I was diagnosed late or that I had a whole world that would open up for me to learn and understand what made me who I am on the spectrum.
You see, for me, learning what autism was should have led to joy and good support, however, it instead lead to opposition and people poking fun at the labels of things that come along with Autism, like special interests, hyperfixation, stimming or any of these things that advocates talk about.
When I learned about all these things I was so excited and thought, so my hyperfixations are my passions and my deep need for all the little details are special interests and when I like to use my tangle or I tap my fingers together, that’s stimming! How cool! I was over the moon and ready to embrace it, there was no fear, no loathing. However, that shifted when I saw that the only ones resistant to me being autistic, were those who couldn’t understand that I have always been me, and having the label autistic did not change who I was.
Even with it, I was still me, and I still am me, albeit sometimes facing bullies and learning who is not so good. Beyond the label, I am still a silly, funny, intelligent, bright young woman who loves her coffee dates, adores a good movie, or going out for ice cream and shopping, I’m a social person, I actually crave social time and hugs, and all these things that I had wanted and needed before the diagnosis.
In my opinion, All that my diagnosis did was simply give a name as to why I didn’t like certain textures of food or clothing and I had a reason why noise, smells, and external stimuli wasn’t always friendly or kind or easily ignorable to me. I at last had a reason why I was and remain forward, why I may have sounded blunt, why people mistake my honesty and directness for rudeness and the ways I am that do not conform to the norm of society. But in all that I am and remained myself and learned that self acceptance means being ok with the differences which make me stand out.
I will say that not everyone’s experience or story is mine and I only speak to my journey on the spectrum. That, above all else, is what makes the autistic spectrum a loop of infinite possibility and why those who are part of said spectrum, are also tapestries of infinite possibilities, because we all have various types of stories, we are not one thing, we are something you may have never seen before.
For example, I exist on the side of low support needs, meaning I can care for myself in various ways. I make my own food, I take care of my hygiene, I’m even an author, and a creative of many facets from voice acting to self created shows and digital art.
I am a tapestry of infinite possibilities, but you simply have to let me be me. I won’t conform to what you wish me to be or to do, and what you might call argumentative is in fact me merely stating facts and using logic over illogical reasoning and regurgitation of things I’ve heard on the television.
The fact is, autism doesn’t change us, it is simply one part of who we, as people, are, and our journeys of self acceptance can be marred with unpleasantness by the outside forces of unacceptance from peers and family and employers or perfect strangers who aren’t in our bodies. They don’t understand us or why we are as we are sometimes. Though you are quite lucky if you do have those around you who accept that this is simply how your brain works and is wired differently from the norm.
The ties between acceptance and empathy are profound for me, and it is because of my journey to accept myself despite the people around me who look on me with the eyes of disbelief, or with the eyes of incapability simply because I will no longer conform to their standards of what I shall label typical-isms.
I simply can’t and never will fit into the box you think I ought to, be it having proper eye contact, body language, having skills you think I should have because everyone else does X or Y and therefore I ought to do X and Y too, when I can only do B and C! And sometimes not even that is possible if its a bad sensory day. I believe there are many of my fellow Auties who understand this mindset of mine and my thoughts.
It remains that the bar set by the norm of society, clashes with my acceptance of myself as someone who is Autistic. The question then is, why should I conform to the well worn path by those who never lived with my trials or my difficulties when I can stand out, walk to the beat of my own inner drum, be proud of myself and who I am?
It must be said best that there is an inner confidence that is hard to build for those of us on the spectrum because we have desires and wants that conflict and most neurotypical people can’t fathom it.
I would say that many of us want to be seen as we are and also treated no differently than anyone else. We want the freedom of expression that everyone else is allowed to have while not being scrutinized for things that we may enjoy, our passions and hobbies and all the joys that we find in this life should not be seen in a light where the word people use is “she’s obsessed with dinosaurs” for example or “he never shuts up about trains” for another.
Yet If a typical person talks about their incessant love of sports like rugby or football or something mundane, then that is completely acceptable, but the minute an autistic person falls passionately in love with something, it becomes “you are obsessed” or “You’re so single minded” or “let’s talk about something else” or insert here some negative comment.
In my life, I love history and facts and deep conversation and am used to either being brushed off, or laughed at, or having people nod in a way that doesn’t signal they are listening or interested. Instead they poke, they laugh, they think it’s funny and I don’t enjoy conversations with these people. And I mean that. When I, as an autistic person say something, I really mean it. There is no subtext, there is no underlying meaning, I say what I mean and I mean what I say and that, like anything else in the life of an autistic, also contributes to if we are accepted or not by those around us. We have no filters, we have, quite truthfully, mouths of honesty and if you can’t learn to go along with it, this tact that doesn’t exist within some of us, you may as well pack your bags and find a typical person to talk to. And that choice, to me, is the saddest fact, because if you didn’t ghost, if you didn’t cut us off, if you didn’t ignore and leave us out, if you chose unacceptance versus acceptance, you might see that we think and feel, love and laugh, care a lot, have emotions, and wants, desires for companionship and friendship, and that in accepting the unconventional ways we express ourselves, it could be how we share our affections. But the tides of bullying and unkindness, of abuse and an unwillingness to let us be ourselves, to shut us down, to keep us quiet, to refuse understanding of our lingo, or the way we may experience the world is why advocacy and empathy and showing you our strengths and our possibilities, our limitless potential, matters.
Acceptance of those on the spectrum is not merely allowing them to sit at the table, it is giving them the space to freely be themselves with kindness, compassion, to hear their voices, to let them tell their stories, to allow them to dress how they want, speak how they desire, be where they are comfortable, and talk about the things that both hurt, hinder, or make them feel as if acceptance of who they are is not possible. There are negatives as much as there are positives and when you don’t allow their voices to rise and be part of conversations about them, or movies and tv shows and books and all matter of areas where they are shut out and not allowed the chance to be heard, then you are against the acceptance they crave.
You see, in the end, we can have all the self acceptance of ourselves, we can do the work to loving who we are, but at the end of the day, do you love us and accept us? Do you foster spaces where it is ok if we don’t conform to your vision of what it means to simply be a person?
Who we are, those of us on the autistic spectrum, and the way we express ourselves is not a reflection on you. If I choose to dress in something that makes me feel comfortable and happy, and you sit there and think “this outfit reflects badly on me”! I will ask you, how? I chose it for myself, and I am happy in this, why are you unhappy? We are not your mirrors, we are ripples of ourselves, and we have preferences that we ought to be allowed to wear or to say or to like because, no one is the same. Acceptance of those who are autistic includes non conformity, in the safest of ways.
A red shirt with rainbow pants won’t hurt you, or your child, teen, young adult, etc. choosing to dress in an outfit akin to their favorite character won’t hurt you. There are ways that we choose to express ourselves, and If our expressions are not harmful then you needn’t try to fix it.
In conclusion, sometimes you need to step into our world for a bit, you need to be empathetic to our plights, and you need to realize that Autism and acceptance means a whole lot more than just saying we include autistic people at the helm. That, however, is a good beginning, but it goes much deeper than it. With acceptance and touting more than just awareness, it is also allowing them to be who they were born to be, wholly beautiful, intelligent, and bright minds who, in the words of the great, Alan Turing, “it is those who no one imagines anything of, who do the things no one can imagine.”
The fact remains that we are limitless, you simply have to allow us to blossom into who we are rather than trying to make us into what you think we should be.
-Faith Jacobs
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